Before I log on to one of my social media accounts, I take a minute to prepare myself for the impending stupidity. The abuse found on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram is appalling. This issue isn’t talked about enough, so I’ve come to enlighten those obnoxious social media fools on the behaviors that need to stop immediately. There should be some sort of test you have to pass before engaging in social media, like the SMAT- Social Media Aptitude Test, where only people with scores of 75% or higher are eligible to activate an account. Please, I beg you, study these guidelines and adjust your tweets and status updates accordingly. If this abuse continues, I’ll commit you to a 12-step program myself.
1. Made-up Words
I signed onto Twitter last week and saw everyone tweeting about his or her “bae”. Wait, what? That’s not a real word. So people can just make up words now? And I have to accept it? Don’t even get me started on the “ratchet” and “turnt” Facebook statuses. When I have to consult the prestigious, scholarly source of online linguistics, UrbanDictionary.com, in order to translate your idiotic Internet jargon, there’s a problem. Instead of “Getting rachet and turnt with your bae because, yolo!” you can “Have a rambunctious night out with your girlfriend because you like to seize life’s opportunities.” Stick to real words from now on.
Since Instagram became popular, everyone with an iPhone feels obligated to document every single course of every single meal. Is this a stipulation in Instagram’s “Terms of Agreement,” that I never knew about? Instead of photographing each and every bite, just eat your food. Crazy concept, I know, but give it a shot.
3. Poking on Facebook
In the social media hierarchy of online flirting, the order of legitimate interaction is as follows: Facebook chat, Twitter direct message, friend request, wall post. Poking doesn’t even make the list because it’s fucking weird. Whenever I get a notification that I’ve been poked on Facebook, I consider closing my account and hunting down Mark Zuckerberg to question the purpose of this useless feature.
4. Post-workout statuses and selfies
You went to the gym? No way! Please tell me more about your workout. Can I also see your workout watch monitor to see how many calories you burned and your average heart rate? No one cares if you #EatClean do #Crossfit and love the #gym because you’re #Instafit. Gym selfies are for social media whores overcompensating for their lack of actual drive and enthusiasm for working out.
5. Overused images
If I see one more “Keep calm and carry on” inspired quote, picture, meme or whatever I’ll personally come to your house and set your laptop on fire. This format is so played out and unoriginal. I won’t keep calm and I can’t carry on until this trend is put to death.
6. Political rants
Did you confuse the “Facebook status” box for an “uneducated, inflammatory political rant” opinion section? Keep the politics off of Facebook and Twitter. It draws even more ignorance and stupidity to social media.
Parents might just be the worst social media abusers on the Internet. Common forms of abuse include: posting personal and private things for the whole Internet to see, leaving irrelevant comments on pictures, and worst of all, using social media to stalk your life. Parents get Facebook and turn into Sherlock fucking Holmes, using newfound digital detective skills to point out anything they deem inappropriate. I’ve yet to accept my mom’s friend request- it’s a risk I’m just not prepared to take.
8. Relationship statuses
Posting a relationship status is always more trouble than it’s worth. There’s the awkward break-up status change that makes everyone uncomfortable. Don’t even get me started with the idiots who use the ambiguous options, like “It’s complicated” and “In an open relationship.” When you have a significant other, can’t you just, be together? Why does social media need to be a part of it? Post-breakup profile picture changes, awkward third-party comments, and all the other uncomfortable territory that’s inherent with relationship statuses is too much to handle.
The first step is admitting you have a problem. You are not alone in this fight, as many people suffer from Social Media Abuse. By eliminating these 8 offenses from your social media activities, you can begin the journey on the long road to recovery.