Social Media Cerberus: How Twitter, Facebook and Instagram are Siphoning Away that Soul of Yours.

I never thought I’d square off in written form with the bastard-tech child of the internetosphere, but here I am. A man can only tolerate so many “what are you” quiz postings, obnoxious baby and food pictures, and constant belly-aching status updates on how miserable your work life is. “Social media, I’m coming for you!” shouted the resident curmudgeon. I’m not the only one who is sick of the unavoidable and unholy trio that is Twitter/Facebook and Instagram .

I thought this was going to be a rant, too, after that first paragraph, but I’ve had my morning tea and can now approach my nemeses with a clear head and a warm belly. Here is a nice, polite little list of why social media is a detriment to YOUR life and EVERYONE ELSES.

1. Social media provides us all a false sense of connection. You have 25,000 Facebook followers? Sweet, bro. How many have you never met? And when was the last time you talked to 98% of them? Facebook and Twitter give people this notion that they are more social and connected than ever before when in reality they are missing out on building real relationships with people in their non-digital life.

2. Social media offers us up the greatest form of procrastination in history. I would bet money that we as a nation have lost a chunk of inherent productivity to the fact that a large amount of our population must constantly be tagging, tweeting and updating us on every little thing that they encounter. Especially when they should be doing something else. For shame.

3. Our privacy as Americans is already dead and buried, and social media isn’t free from partial blame for it. Every time you hit that ‘post’ button you are sending off words, pictures and opinions that will exist forever out in the ether, barring a cataclysmic worldwide collapse of the internet’s very mainframe. Seriously, why would anyone willingly (or consciously) send off so much information to a tried and untrustworthy government about their lives and the lives of those they care about?

4. For some poor souls, social media has manifested as an addiction with little to no real gain. I cannot comment on what sparks such addiction, but we all know someone who physically gets twitchy and irritable if you try and deny them their bi-minute smart phone glance. I suggest you leave these poor folk to their techno slave ways for the sake of your own self-preservation.

5. Social media has helped to slice out attention spans to ribbons. Reading 140 character statuses on a constant basis has begun to rewire our brains to think that that is the average level of written consumption we are expected to mentally cope with. Pretty soon we won’t be able to make it through a Dr. Seuss book, let alone any other literary classics. I guess I can always write micro fiction.

6. Social media makes you stupid-er. If all you do all day is read posts from your grammatically-stunted “friends”, like “hilarious” YouTube videos and milk your digital cows on Farmville (is that still around?) how could your brain not be corroding inside your own skull? Instead of venturing out into the world and LEARNING and EXPERIENCING new things, people are satisfied to let other people do that, and to just “like” the resulting photos album.

7. Social media makes you a jealous mess. We all hate that goody two shoes who seems to have their life and relationships in perfect order. They have a dream job, bleached teeth and vacation on what seems to be a weekly basis in only the most exotic locales. Meanwhile, all you have to post about is how miserable our own paltry existence is becoming. You’re right to be jealous, but you wouldn’t be! If goody two shoes didn’t have to rub it in your face how superior their life is with every status update. Jerk.

8. Social media has birthed even more annoying pseudo-celebrities than there were before. Seriously. Smosh? Pewdiepie? Jennamarbles? I have no idea who any of these people are, but apparently they are hilarious. Looked them up. Ok. Apparently not only are they not hilarious, but apparently all it takes anymore to become famous is a webcam, a rudimentary set of editing skills, a complete lack of self-respect and the comedic eloquence and prowess of a gurgling fart joke.

That got grumpy, fast, and for that I apologize, but seriously. Stop posting selfies, you pox.



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