There are four distinct categories of Halloween costumes worn by girls. I challenge you to find an outlier.
1. Slutty Professions
Who decided that the standard for female Halloween costumes is to pick a profession – and I mean any profession – and make it slutty? Since when is a mailman sexy? Oh, when you make the costume consist of “gentle, handle with care” tape and ensure XXXpress Delivery. To all the Naughty Nurses, Mile High Club Flight Attendants, and Corrupt Cops: congrats on continuing to be part of the most cliché costume category. At least you’ll have guys fantasizing about having their temperature taken, right?
If you have to be the underdressed representation of a professional at least get creative. Where are the sexy social workers, taboo telemarketers, and the too hot to handle HR reps?
2. American Apparel Non-Costumes
“Oh my gosh, it’s almost Halloween,” exclaimed every basic bitch as they spilled Pumpkin Spice latte on their Uggs. Hitting up their edgy, exclusive, only means of interaction, the group text, appropriately named something along the lines of “The Betches,” girls everywhere brainstorm group costume ideas. Here’s how the creative process goes:
1. Gather the girls and go to Halloween Mecca, also known as American Apparel.
2. Find the best sets of matching solid colored spandex.
3. Assign each girl a color.
4. Come up with some group themed costume that just has a lot of colors and isn’t creative at all so that you can have an excuse to wear tiny spandex on the night of the 31st.
Some common “costume” ideas resulting from this process include:
Crayons: Some related yet just as terrible ideas are Highlighters, Markers, anything that comes in a Crayola 24 pack. Thanks for successfully transforming tools meant to inspire and facilitate creativity into the most unoriginal costumes in Halloween history.
The Rainbow: Nothing says, “The first thing that came to my mind,” like dressing up as the colors of the rainbow.
Animals with ears: Apparently, fake ears are a Halloween staple. So choose your color, pick an animal that kind of might maybe represent somewhat of a shade of your assigned color, buy some ears, and call it a day.
3. Anything with wings
Fairies, butterflies, angels, peacocks, bumblebees, cans of Redbull- girls will dress up as anything with wings to qualify the rest of their outfit as a costume. Oh that lingerie set, slut central on its own, but with a set of wings you become an ethereal and whimsical Tinkerbell. Do wings have this transformational power to turn literally anything into a costume? It’s a widely held belief for girls on Halloween.
4. Culturally Offensive Costumes
As long as the attire is cute and revealing, girls don’t hesitate to offend entire cultures with their Halloween costumes. Some examples include:
Native American Princess: Slutty suede dress with turquoise accents? Check. Headdress tailored to ensure maximum headpiece cuteness? Check. No wonder all of those explorers came to American looking for you! Relax, Pocahontas.
Middle Eastern Babe: For some reason, I find this one especially offensive. Could it be the risqué take on burkas? Or the most common title for these costumes, “Sexy in the Desert”? Just stay away from this one.
Mexican Seniorita: Mexican chicas walk around in tiny ruffled shirts and carry tequila bottles as a daily routine right?
Geisha– Wearing a kimono and overdosing on eyeliner in attempt to make your eyes appear smaller doesn’t make you a sexy Asian goddess. It makes you an asshole.
Did your costume fall into one of these categories? Do I even need to ask? Of course it did.
Photo Source: Tokyofashion.com