I have realized that literally every single one of these traits that I am about to rattle off are applicable to who I am as a human being. Therefore, I will postulate that my fellow socially clumsy and anxious brothers and sisters may share similar traits and we must bond together to either commiserate or celebrate our misfortune as social ignoramuses. Knock yourselves out.
1. People who greet with a kiss on the cheek give you bigger heart attacks than deep-fried Twinkies at the county fair. No matter how many people you have encountered who do this, you simply cannot seem to master the art of sophisticated air/cheek kissing.
2. Greeting people with an embrace is also profoundly difficult for you. You have garnered a bevy of complaints from people who comment on your awkward rigidness when they go in for a hug.
3. When you are romantically attracted to a person, you go to great lengths to ensure they never, ever find out. You will however, do an embarrassingly large amount of Facebook and Google stalking and know more about said person than you would care to admit. And probably should never admit, because if we are just being balls out honest here, the number of hours you spent stalking could merit a psychological evaluation.
4. If by some miracle you actually are presented the opportunity to converse with said person you are romantically attracted to, you will inevitably barf out an illiterate sound such as, “schmerfacktermoose.” You have therefore concluded that loving that person from afar with a pair of binoculars and a box of donuts is your best option.
5. McDonald’s Employee: “Enjoy your meal!”
You: “Thanks! You too!”
6. Standing in line at the store is like the waiting for your turn at the guillotine because the anxiety of having to count out money to the cashier makes you sweat it places you should never sweat
7. Sometimes you are talking to someone and suddenly, out of nowhere, you choke on your own spit.
8. You have snorted when someone made you laugh too hard. And it’s not cute like they make it seem in the movies. It’s loud. Freight train loud.
9. You have mastered the art of self-deprecating humor because if you didn’t poke fun at yourself first, everyone else would.
10. You have fallen up the stairs
11. You have fallen down the stairs. The entire flight. Head first.
12. You have fallen because you tripped over your own feet.
13. When you are on a 17 hour flight to Bangkok and you are riding in the middle seat in coach, you have too much social anxiety to ask the person sitting next to you to move so you can go to the bathroom so instead you contemplate crapping yourself.
14. You constantly drop things very loudly and in public.
15. When the rare moment comes that you are actually able to get in touch with your inner social butterfly and chatter away comfortably, you are pretty sure the person you are speaking to only tells you how interesting and funny you are because they are embarrassed for you. And in their minds you know they are thinking, “You poor, special thing, you.”
16. You would rather drag your genitals across a field of glass than take a dump in a public restroom when only one other person is in the bathroom.
17. You have anxiety about asking someone for directions when you are navigating a new city. So instead you will walk around in literal circles for 45 minutes before opting for a new strategy.
18. You have anxiety ordering food at restaurants.
19 .You say sorry. All. The time. To humans and non-humans alike.
20. You have learned that it is best just not to talk. Horrendous things come out of your mouth when this happens.
21. You make Chandler-sized jokes when you are in new and uncomfortable social situations.
22. Loud, crowded bars are the bane of your existence. You cannot fathom how anyone could actually enjoy such a thing. There is nothing worse than having a conversation with someone where you have to ask, “what?” three times because you have no idea what they said. You eventually give up and when they ask you, “So, what do you think about the economic situation in Greece?” you nod your head.
23. Sometimes it is hard to strike up a conversation with a person of either the same or opposite sex without wondering if you it came across as you hitting on them.
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